


Uncertain Certainty

by Mickey_99



Series: Haikyuu Soulmates AU [21]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, First Time, Friendship, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:15:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24970654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99
Summary: Tsukishima's Thoughts about the series
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: Haikyuu Soulmates AU [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736596
Comments: 16
Kudos: 148





	Uncertain Certainty

**Author's Note:**

> Do people want to see Hinata's and Kageyama's healing through the eyes of their soulmates or has this series run its course. I of course have fun one's I can do with everyone... But there was an idea that I saw Hinata taking during his healing or yeah IDK I don't want to give too much away because in case I do it. If so do you want me to do one for each soulmate. Like one for Kenma, one for kuroo, one for Oikawa, and one for Iwaizumi.

Tsukishima was unsure. He was unsure how to help. He was unsure if he even should. Tsukishima knew what happened to Tadashi, maybe not the details. But Tsukishima had been the one to walk in alongside the cops. Tsukishima had seen the blood and the tears. Tsukishima had seen the unfocused gaze that Tadashi had.

“Why am I in the hospital Kai?” Tadashi had asked when he woke up in the hospital.

Tsukishima had been unsure, “Some things happened to you.” Tsukishima says in response. “I felt the pain and rushed to your house… Do you really not remember anything?”

Tadashi had frowned, thinking really hard about it. “No,” Tadashi says,” The last thing I remember was walking home with you from school. I mean I seem to recall my father being mad I was late. He was mad I still was around you at all.”

Tsukishima winced. Was it amnesia? If so, should Tsukishima even bring up the truth. Would it be better if the entire incident was just forgotten. The weight of the knowledge he held suddenly felt a lot heavier and harder to handle. And as Tsukishima stared at his soulmate lying in the hospital bed, pale and injured, Tsukishima just couldn’t bring himself to tell Tadashi the truth. At least not that second.

“It’s not important,” Tsukishima responds quietly,” I have to go talk to some people, but don’t worry about it right now. Just focus on feeling better.”

Tsukishima watched with a heavy heart as Tadashi smiled lightly at him. The smile was unknowing and almost free in a way, and for a brief moment Tsukishima felt sure.

Tsukishima left the room to speak with his parents and the detectives waiting outside the room.

“He says he doesn’t remember,” Tsukishima relays,” I’m not really sure how that is all possible, but I don’t want to tell him the truth right now. You caught the people in the act so that should be sentence enough for raping and prostituting someone who is underaged. Leave him out of it.”

“But Kai- “His mother started to speak.

“No,” Tsukishima says seriously,” I may be underaged, but at the end of the day he is my soulmate. This at least gives me some say in how we move forward. I am telling you that right now I don’t think him remembering will do his mental state any good.”

“Not remembering could possibly be worse,” Tsukishima’s mom said quietly,” This might mean he is repressing those memories and that isn’t healthy.”

Tsukishima could guess what memory repression was, it wasn’t hard to guess just based off the context of the words. He made a mental note to research it more later.

“Would you want to remember this if it happened to you mom?” Tsukishima says quietly,” Besides this isn’t something I will withhold from him forever, just right now isn’t a good time.”

There was a general consensus between the group that this was how it was going to be. The detectives left the hospital and Tsukishima’s mom went to the cafeteria to get some food.

And Tsukishima took that time to get online and research all he could about memory repression.

Tsukishima soon learned that no internet site or book could ever prepare him for the mess that all of the pain had caused.

Tadashi didn’t really remember, but it wasn’t like he totally forgot either. Tsukishima would wake to screaming in the middle of the night. Screaming that ripped its way out of Tadashi’s throat and wrapped around his heart like a vice.

Those nightmares were just as awful for Tsukishima as they were for Tadashi, because after Tsukishima finally roused Tadashi from the nightmares it was like a switch flicked. Suddenly Tadashi was confused, not remembering a single thing from the night terrors at all. But yet Tadashi _knew_ something more was going on. How could you not after weeks upon weeks of waking up in a cold sweat with blood trickling down your arms? How could you not realize that something was wrong with your own head at that point?

Then it came. It was near the end of their first year in high school that it did.

It was just like every other night, only this time when Tadashi finally was roused, he didn’t completely come down from the panic the moment he opened his eyes and entered full consciousness. Tsukishima could see it in Tadashi’s eyes that something had transferred from the subconscious to the conscious. Even if it was only a small brief moment that did, it happened.

“I deserved it,” Tadashi mumbles. His eyes were glassy, and tears rolled down his cheeks,” I deserved it.”

Tadashi continued to mumble it like a mantra, like something that had been ingrained in his head over time. And the uncertainty overtook Tsukishima like a freight train once again.

Eventually Tadashi calmed down. But it was obvious from his eyes that he hadn’t forgotten the incident that just took place.

“Tsukki,” Tadashi says,” Please tell me what’s going on. Please. I know you know. Just… I can’t do this anymore. I am tired.”

Tsukishima was silent for a moment, watching with uncertain eyes as Tadashi buried his face into his hands.

“You were raped,” Tsukishima says bluntly, not really sure what other way to put it,” My mother says that you’ve repressed the memories subconsciously without realizing it. But I think it still plagues your dreams. I’m sorry, I should have told you. Maybe we should get you a therapist.”

Tsukishima turned to look at Tadashi, but his heart dropped out of his chest. Tadashi sat there looking practically catatonic.

“Mom!” Tsukishima shouts. He was just hoping that his mother could do _something_. Afterall she was a nurse. Tsukishima cursed himself as he heard his mother’s running footsteps up to his room. She stepped into the room and saw that state Tadashi was in.

“Oh dear,” Tsukishima-san says. Kai watches as she wraps a blanket tightly around Tadashi’s shaking form and rubs his hands gently to bring him slowly out of his trance.

“It’s not possible,” Tadashi says quietly,” It’s not something that should be possible. It didn’t happen.”

“Sweetheart,” Tsukishima-san says,” It happens when people go through trauma sometimes. And sometimes people can remember bits and pieces, sometimes they remember nothing, but I can assure you that you are going to need a therapist to get you through the memories… Maybe I can- “

“NO!” Tadashi shouts, making both Tsukishima and his mother jump,” I don’t want to remember. I won’t go. I don’t want it. I want to forget. Let me forget.”

Tsukishima felt uncertain. He realized his mother was right, and that this entire thing wasn’t over. That Tadashi wouldn’t just forget. Whether those memories were repressed or not, Tadashi would still get nightmares and there was still a chance that they might find a trigger that could send Tadashi back suddenly and forcefully.

Tsukishima figured it out at the start of there second year.

Tadashi had never been good in large groups of people and quite frankly Tsukishima found them bothersome and annoying. The two really hadn’t been inside a large crowd in a long time. Tsukishima hadn’t even realized this fact until they stepped into a large crowd of people in downtown Tokyo. One minute they were walking, and the next Tsukishima almost doubled over at the feeling of utter terror seeping through the bond. Tsukishima had whirled around, looking desperately for his soulmate amongst the crowd. He finally found Tadashi sitting in a fetal position against a building.

“They are surrounding me Tsukki!” Tadashi says grabbing onto Tsukishima’s hands,” Get them off of me. Make them stop please.”

Tsukishima grabbed Tadashi’s face gently,” It’s just me Tadashi,” Tsukishima says gently,” Listen to me. None of them will ever touch you or hurt you again.”

Tadashi continued to cry. And Tsukishima hated how much that moment hurt. Tsukishima hated the feeling of not knowing what to do. Tsukishima hated feeling absolutely helpless. So, Tsukishima continued to stand there, using his own body to block Tadashi from the crowd of people swarming around behind them. Eventually Tadashi calmed down when he realized that strangers weren’t touching him anymore.

Tsukishima watched as, slowly; Tadashi’s breath evened out.

Tsukishima was quick to find a solution to the problem of crowds. Even though it wasn’t often that he had to, Tsukishima would put his own body between Tadashi and the crowd. And the two would stay near the edge. Tadashi would hold onto Tsukishima’s hand like an anchor. And it worked. The trigger wasn’t the crowd, but the feeling and sight of being completely surrounded by strangers.

It wasn’t until Tadashi got the message from Hinata on a crowded train that Tadashi almost had another attack.

And that was another moment in which Tsukishima found himself completely uncertain. Tsukishima knew that Tadashi should go. He _knew_. But how do you tell someone that they need to get better? How do you tell someone that they are actually a mess and need help? How do you make someone trying so hard to forget, to remember?

Tsukishima almost breathed a sigh of relief when he didn’t have to try that hard. And for once Tsukishima found himself mentally thanking Hinata for sending that message. Because for the first time Tsukishima felt an essence of certainty about the entire situation.

It wasn’t until the meeting that Tsukishima felt uncertain again. And it wasn’t the moment that the truth about the ring was revealed, or the moment that they headed back to the house. No, it was the moment that suddenly everyone realized that a certain ginger had gone missing. For 20 minutes they searched inside and around the house. Kageyama finally got his phone out and called the ginger, Kenma having Tobio put it on speaker phone.

Tsukishima had to hold Tadashi back from running straight out the door and to the streets to find there small teammate.

“Tadashi, we don’t know where he is, we can’t just run out with no knowledge of where to go,” Tsukishima says, even though the tall blonde was about ready to go searching for the ginger himself.

“We can’t just stand here,” Tadashi says angrily,” They are hurting him.”

Tsukishima was uncertain again. They were in dangerous territory. These people were dangerous, and Hinata was alone with them. The room was chaotic as Kenma tried desperately to track Hinata’s mom’s phone. Kuroo was trying to get past Oikawa and out the door alongside Tobio who was doing the same.

Then Hinata dropped a hint, about being in a park. The reaction was instant, everyone was out the door and in the cars with two drivers they had all previously sworn to never ride with again. But all of them would risk a traffic accident for their family.

Tsukishima was uncertain when he saw Hinata lying in a pool of blood. This small ball of energy was indeed one of his best friends. Hinata was like a brother. Hinata couldn’t die. Tsukishima had been one of the one’s who drove everyone to the hospital. Kenma had been sobbing to hard to drive, and Bokuto had been shaking in rage. Tsukishima and Tadashi ended up driving people.

Being at the hospital was hell. Tsukishima had never been to the hospital for anything good, and this moment seemed like the horrible icing on a really fucked up cake. Tsukishima was so uncertain of what to say to help Tadashi. To comfort Kuroo and Kenma. Hell, the two Nekoma Alumni looked entirely wrecked by the entire experience. Tsukishima felt useless and unsure of what to do. So, he punched a wall. There was a surprised yelp from Tadashi as Tsukishima hit the wall hard enough to scrape his knuckles.

“Tsukki don’t!” Tadashi says grabbing Tsukishima’s hands to keep him from punching the wall again. Tsukishima watches as Tadashi opens his bag and pulls out a first aid kit that he always carried. Part of Tsukishima almost starts crying as he thinks of the time Tadashi bandaged up Hinata after the ginger had broken his nail. The situation almost seemed clearer now. They might lose a friend.

“Do you think Shouyou still thinks I hate him?” Tsukishima says smiling bitterly.

Tadashi paused in his quick and nimble movements of disinfecting the cuts,” No,” Tadashi says,” No, I think he considers you to be like a brother.”

“But did he know before going out there that I feel the same,” Tsukishima says. Tsukishima didn’t know what he would do if the answer was no.

“I think he knew with absolute certainty,” Tadashi says quietly,” Everyone knows you care and just have trouble showing it. Besides even if he didn’t you can tell him when he wakes up. Trust that he will wake up, okay. I think we all need hope right now.”

They were at the hospital for 5 hours. Hinata was being stabilized during that entire time. And the entire time Tsukishima was uncertain. Tsukishima felt a lot of things. Hatred, Anger, Sadness, Hope, but uncertainty was the biggest one. Because most of all, Tsukishima wasn’t certain which emotion to focus on.

Eventually Hinata was stabilized and everyone was sent home. Kuroo and Kenma weren’t even allowed to spend the night due to the fact Hinata was spending the night in the ICU. Tsukishima ended up driving the two Nekoma Alumni home. Everyone stayed in the apartment that night, and the next day they were instructed to stay separated until the trial were over. Apparently to keep the lawyers from being able to say the stories were made up to some extent.

The trials left Tsukishima feeling uncertain, because after the meeting, Tadashi was a whole different person when it came to the topic. Maybe it was the fact that he had seen a friend of his get shot, but either way Tadashi was braver during the trial than he had been in Tsukishima’s whole time of knowing the freckled boy. But Tsukishima was uncertain if he should be doing anything to help. Tadashi threw himself into his old case files to trigger his memories. Tsukishima tried to protest this, but Tadashi cut him off.

“It’s okay to remember trauma, Tsukki,” Tadashi says repeating Tsukishima’s words from back when Hinata first sent the message. “And I don’t want these people out there anymore. I am done being scared. So, if I have to dig through some dark shit to be able to rid myself of it forever, then I am going to do it.”

And Tsukishima didn’t really know how to respond to that. But Tsukishima let him do it because this was the first time, he had ever seen such a determined look in the freckled boy’s eyes.

The trial wasn’t a fix-all though. Tadashi was still squeamish about touch and flighty around crowds. But things began to get slowly better. The process was a long one. And Tsukishima was uncertain throughout the whole of it.

Do I touch him?

Do I not touch him?

Do I let him remember?

Do I try to protect him?

Do I talk to him about it?

Do I keep quiet?

The uncertainty made Tsukishima’s head spin in circles to the point where he was actually dizzy. It made Tsukishima’s head pound. Because Tsukishima hated being so fucking unsure about all of this. He hated not knowing the answer. Tsukishima, throughout all of this, had kept thinking that maybe everything would become clearer after they had just turned the next corner. But after every corner they turned it was like a whole new road. And Tsukishima was so uncertain about where to go.

“What do you want me to do?” Tsukishima asked one night as Tadashi lay awake, not wanting to sleep because of the nightmares,” How can I help you Tadashi?”

He had felt Tadashi give a small huff,” Just be here and be ready for when I am ready,” Tadashi had said.

Tsukishima had almost slapped himself at realizing how simple it actually was. But then again usually people are trained to give complicated responses to complicated questions. Sometimes it was easy to forget it all had such a simple answer.

Tadashi was the one to initiate sex between them for the first time. Tsukishima, heeding Tadashi’s words about being ready, didn’t even flinch. Tsukishima let Tadashi take the lead but was still there to guide.

And as beautiful the moment was, the real beauty was after when Tadashi fell asleep in Tsukishima’s arms without being afraid of nightmares. That was the moment when Tsukishima truly smiled.

Tsukishima proposed to Tadashi about a month after Kunimi and Kindaichi’s wedding. It wasn’t planned, and he didn’t even have a ring.

He had taken Tadashi star gazing in the middle of the night. They were lying straight on their backs and looking at the sky.

Suddenly Tadashi shot his arm up and pointed, “Look! A shooting star! Make a wish Tsukki!”

Tsukishima hadn’t been looking at the sky though, he had been looking at Tadashi’s face as it lit up in utter amazement at seeing a shooting star. Suddenly he felt more certain than he had ever felt in his life.

“I wish you would marry me,” Tsukishima says without missing a beat.

Tsukishima wanted to smirk as suddenly Tadashi whipped around to face him with a grin.

“Do you mean it?”

“Yeah,” Tsukishima responds.

“Is this a proposal?”

“Yeah,” Tsukishima responds smirking.

“Did you just decide this?”

“Yeah.” Tsukishima says still smirking.

Suddenly Tadashi looks at him with suspicion. “Are you sure?”

“Tadashi,” Tsukishima says grabbing his soulmate’s face,” I have been unsure about a lot of things. But I have _never_ been unsure about how much I love you. Marry me.”

Tsukishima kissed Tadashi lightly on the lips.

“Yes, I want to marry you.” Tadashi says quietly.

The two share a sweet smile under the starry sky and while bathed in the light of the moon.

Tadashi had brought a lot of uncertainty into Tsukishima’s life. But Tsukishima was certain that he wouldn’t change being Tadashi’s soulmate for the world.

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